Sometimes, we just miss it

I deceived someone.

A friend. A good, good friend.

Didn't hear her call. Maybe I wasn't feeling good enough myself so I wasn't able to get what she needed from me.

I feel horrible.

And I feel deceived, too.

Horrible, because I wasn't there when she was in need. And because she was there when I needed help.

Deceived, because of the expectations she had. I'm not perfect. And I hate to be told so. I'm not perfect. But perfectionnist, yes.

How many times my parents told me "you should at least have done so and so"... It hurts so much to hear those words again.

But hey. Sometimes, we just miss it. So don't hold a grudge. And forgive.

I Had Forgotten

Peasant Woman Nursing A Baby - Aimé-Jules Dalou (V&A Museum)

How sweet that was. How demanding that was. How tiring that was.

The smell of a baby's breath, the softness of his cheek.

The warmth of his tiny body when he sleeps in your arms.

The hours you can spend just admiring him, his little feet, his lovely nose, his fluffy hair.

The unconditional love.

I had forgotten.

The spinning head in the morning because you didn't get enough sleep.

The planning you need to make just to take a shower.

Typing with one hand. Eating while nursing. Watching too many boring TV shows.

The pain in the left arm, a place where baby sleeps most of the time.

I had forgotten. And I'm sad, because I'll most likely forget, again.

About how great it feels to take care of a newborn. To let hours go by, doing nothing else but loving this tiny being. To nurse him when others sleep. To kiss him, too much, when no one is looking.

So close to the end - and to the beginning

Mixed emotions.

Excitement. Apprehension.

Patience. Impatience.

I can't wait to see him. To touch him. Hold him. Smell him.

What will he look like? What will be his name? Will he resemble one of his brothers?

I don't really want the pregancy to end but I want to hold my baby in my arms so much. I can't believe we're almost there!

I feel it coming, my body is sending signals, more and more contractions...

38 weeks.

Almost there.

Failure

Photo credit karin8700

I went to see my gastroenterologist, today, for the first time since I left hospital.

She was very nice, comprehensive, took all the time I needed to listen, to answer. She gave me options. She discussed every avenue possible.

But tonight, I feel deeply sad, like I failed. Tonight, I collapse after trying to be so positive and strong in the last weeks...

I guess it has to do with the fact that I'm starting Imuran, an immunosupressive antimetabolite drug, a drug that officially puts me in the category of the chronically ill people. People who have the sword of Damocles on top of their head, all their life. People who never know when the next relapse will occur, who have to deal with side effects of the medication, frequent visits to the doctor and weekly blood analysis.

I cannot think of anything else than failure. And I know it's wrong, because I cannot control it. I thought I could. All the time, energy, money and good will I spent, trying to avoid being today, the day I would have to give up. The day I would have to let go and take the think I'm the most unwilling to take.

I didn't want to be a sick mother. To be half of a mother. I didn't want to have another child, not knowing if I'll be able to take care of him properly. I didn't want to become a burden for people around me.

I didn't want to feel like I failed.

Struggling

photo credit: king.agong

I'm probably going through one of the most difficult period of my life.

My body is completely drained of all energy. The baby and the illness are sucking it all up. And there's the pain. And the countless visits to the bathroom. The sleepless nights. The solitude. The responsabilities that I have, still. Two young children, a husband, a house.

I'm so exhausted. Can hardly find the strength to hope and stay positive. I'm prisoner of a body who has to cope with chronic illness, pain and a pregnancy... So hard.

Expecting

photo credit: Cuba Gallery

Expecting love, health, joy. Expecting sleepless nights, despair, tears. Expecting expectations.

I'm welcoming a new soul inside of me, a wonderful feeling, an exhausting state, an overwhelming happiness.

I'm sorry for letting you down. I was not feeling good at all due to my state. No wonder why I felt so sick during my holidays!

Don't expect me to write too often in the coming months. I'll see how I feel about blogging, as pregnancy has changed my mood and my priorities... And I'm not sure you want to hear all about it every second day.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'll do my best to keep you posted once in a while.

In tears

I was. All day.

I don't know how I came to her site. I don't know why I hit that post, the right post. But I do know why I spent all day in tears, while reading her e-book or even just thinking about her. She gave me hope. She made me feel like I'm not alone anymore.

Her name is Meghan. She was diagnosed with Colitis, then Crohn's disease. She made the choice of healing, naturally, despite what doctors said to her (and to me). She became nutritionist, holistic lifestyle consultant and digestive coach. And she recovered.

The first excerpt of the book I read, before buying it, was this one:

I worry that maybe all this is for nothing. I get frustrated that I am working my ass of to get well and making many sacrifices in the process and still have a day here and there where I feel like crap.

and then:

So I made the decision, the choice, excuse free, that I needed to take my own advice. It wasn’t easy but if we were never challenged sometimes, how would we ever move forward?

I didn't need to read further. With my vision blurred by tears I quickly bought the book and started to read. And couldn't stop.

Amazing. I felt like I was reading myself. More tears.

Now I have a dream: to attend her Digestive Healing Retreat. Anyone interested in sponsoring me? :)

My prayers are with you

photo credit: Gerald Herbert/AP

All of you.

It's incredible how this earthquake is affecting so many people close to me. The father in law of our workman is missing. A friend of mine has lost several friends. Our neighbourgs are Haitians. So is my friend Eman. And my friend Sophie. Since Tuesday I almost feel I'm Haitian, too.

So I pray for you.

All of you.

Word of the week: Enough

Painting by Emily Martin @ The Black Apple

Enough: 1. sufficient; all that is required, needed, or appropriate. 2. used to express impatience or exasperation.

Holidays are over. Well, not that they were really holidays for me, but they are over. Kids are going back to school. Phew. I really had a hard time. I was impatient. I was moody. I wasn't proud of me. I felt annoyed, most of the time. I guess anyone would be, as they were fighting all the time, crying, whining, yelling... Aaaaaargh!

And that sky. That grey sky that I dread. Was there. Every day. For 2 weeks. My SAD is knocking on the door... "knock, knock, it's me, Seasonal Affective Disorder, remember me?? Trying to avoid me with a lamp?! Better stand under it 12 hours day, HA HA HA!"

Enough of having two "I don't know what to doooooooooo!" boys at home. Enough of never-ending renovations. Enough of this. Enough of that. Enough of myself, even, sometimes.

Is it? Enough?

Word of the Week: Fear

Photo credit: Welshio

This new Word of the Week section will be a weekly reflection on a subject that is relevant for me - and maybe for you.

I wanted to start with Fear, because even if not all of us feel it these days, I can clearly see that the medias are trying to instil this fear in all of us with the pandemic flu and mass vaccination campaign.

Fear : A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

Are you scared? Worried? I am, sometimes. I made a great meditation exercice yesterday to help me deal with that sense of fear. First, I tried to recognize the fact that I am scared and see what it was doing to my body - my heart beat, my breath, my internal movements. Then I went through acceptation of that fear. Again I was trying to feel the effects of that acceptation on my whole body. Next step was to interrogate the fear. Why are you there? What is your purpose? Finally, I consciously decided not to identify with that feeling of fear. I'm not the fear. It is external to me. During that final step I felt a shower of light on me. It was very intense and very nourishing. I felt like a protection surrounding me. A barrier against that fear. What a great experience! I know I still have worries but I also trust God and it helped me to control the impact of the fear on me. I realized it was not me, it was something coming from outside and I don't have to let it eat me! If you have some fears, too, try to meditate in 4 steps (RAIN method): Recognition, Acceptation, Interrogation and Not to identify with the fear (or any other feeling).

I think fear and worries are more destructive (and more contagious!) than diseases. Fear is a weapon of mass destruction. The best way to protect ourselves from diseases and other harmful situations is first to protect ourselves from irrational fear, from suggested fear.

Do you have any fears?

Grey

is not my favorite sky color. I feel winter coming, and I'm not sure that light therapy will be enough...

I'm trying to be proactive, not to let depression have a grip on me this year, again...

Here's what I intend to do in the next days:

- yoga (breathing and stretching gives me a lot of energy)

- tanning salon (it always feels so good on my skin! - I usually go 2 times a year)

- massage (received a free session certificate for Eid - thanks lil' bro)

- painting (to express my feelings through colors and brush strokes)

- new basement decoration (have to choose new walls color, new floor, new ceramic - new is good for the mood)

- psycho-therapy (I stopped seeing my PT in July and need to resume my therapy)

- chocolate cake (very effective for short term happiness)

- breakfast with friends in the middle of the week (we started this a couple of weeks ago and it perfectly breaks routine)

What do you do to fight the blues?

Calamity

Three fire tucks. Twelve firemen. Me, with burning cheeks and rubber boots, holding a canister under the hole in the oil tank, my two feet in a pond of fuel. Windows open, heating and electricity off, suffocating smell of gas... That wasn't a nightmare. That was my house, last Thursday.

The insurance guy, the after-disaster expert, the oil company, the cleaning company, the new tank team, the minister of environment, the curious neighbours, all around, while experts were tearing walls apart and breaking ceramic tiles... That wasn't a bad dream. That was my house, last Friday.

Me, with respiratory problems and a headache, and the kids, away from home since then... That is not a holiday. That is our actual situation.

Calamity. Upon us.

Deception

The original message was deleted by me.

Some people who don't even know me - or the situation - misunderstood it. Weird.

1-800-whateveryouwanttoknow

Photo credit: Darwin Bell

I used to like to be the mother of all, to take pride of being 'the one you call when you need advices/want to know something'. Being the oldest and only girl of my family, I guess the habit of taking care of others and answering people needs comes from 'back then'.

Now, for some reason, I'm getting a bit annoyed, sometimes. For many of my friends, I became the 'whatever you need to know' hotline. Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of reasons why friends and not-so-friends called/emailed me recently:

- the traditional "what should I tell him?"

- phone number of someone else (many times)

- address of a shop

- directions to a specific address (either 'live' - person is driving - or not)

- soup recipe

- dessert recipe

- pancake recipe

- chicken recipe

- "do you think I can eat pesto after its best before date?"

- "do you think I can eat eggs after their best before date?" (not in the same phone call as previous point)

- traffic report ("I'm on highway 13, can you tell me what is going on ahead, we're not moving?")

- link to a website (that I obviously don't know)

- phone number, courses prices and schedule of the karate school that my kids are not attending (I guess because I talked about it once)

- phone number of the hairdresser

- airport departures schedule

- address of Eid prayer

- schedule of Eid prayer

- if I could make a wake-up call at 5 am every day

- informations regarding child health

- advices regarding child education

- informations regading islam

- volunteering request

- advices on friendship problems

- advices on marital problems

- phone number of a daycare center

- phone number of a psychologist

- recipe to make soap

- reference of someone who could help someone else

- daycare references

And on. And on.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I find it funny. Sometimes I take it as an honor. Sometimes I wonder why people think I know answers to almost everything. But yes, sometimes, I find it annoying to be the mother of all.

And sometimes, I would like to be mothered, too.

Running around in circles

Photo credit: Juliana S.

Maybe you are. Wondering. Why I don't list new stuff. Why I don't Twit, Book, blog as I used too. Maybe not.

But during all this time, I was. Wondering. Again. And I'm still. But if I'm here to talk about it today, it's because I'm less and less wondering. I asked. I receieved. Some answers were really hard to take and to swallow. I had to experience human meanness, to go through my own emotive roller coaster again, to face it. It is not worth it. I know, you remember. I said it before. Sometimes it takes time. To understand. To really understand. To stop fantasizing about something that is just not realistic, possible, or I don't know what.

But I'm getting tired. I'm getting fed up. Running around in circles. Wasting energy, time, sanity, money on the way. I think that is enough.

Not sure how/when I'll end this exactly. The mass-production of hijab pins and painted glasses. Etsy. The hope of making billions with painted pebbles transformed into magnets. But I know it is coming.

Now... now... I feel something new inside. Possibilities. Freedom. I see a door in front of me. Leaving. But entering.

I'll let you know what's on the other side.

I fell in love

I travelled before. To far away lands and magical places. So many times before, my breath was taken away. I saw beaches of white sand and Windex water. I've been to islands of paradise with lush vegetation.  Still, I never felt like staying there forever. Crowd, heat, noise, there was always something to remind me that perfection is not of this world. Love was fading away with time.

My love story with this part of the world (which is, surprisingly, in my own country) is different. Mont-Louis is not the most beautiful place I've seen. It's windy, sometimes cold. But I never felt like this before anywhere on Earth. I went to the top of wild mountains. I picked stones for hours on different shores. I met wonderful people. I ate fresh fish and field strawberries. I drank my coffee with maple syrup everyday. I watched the sun go down in pink and purple skies. I saw trillions of stars, shooting and shining ones. I woke up at the base of misty mountains. I felt my heart beat. I lived. Simply, in another world, without tv, without computer, without money, without the superfluous. Time stopped. Stress stopped. Heart opened. Soul lifted.

I cried all the way back. My life will never be the same. I lived life. As, I know now, I always wanted to live. A small house, by the sea, a workshop, a garden. Mountains, ocean, wind. Inner peace. 

I have a dream.

One day, I'll reach it. Incha'Allah.

Reflections

photo credit Mattfinish

I came accross two very powerful quotes in the last days and felt an urge to share. On my journey to heal myself, I discovered some simple sayings can dramatically change my way of seeing life and handling it. I also feel I could help change your perception by sharing with you. Who knows... Maybe these words will found a resonance in you as they did in me. Read and reflect.

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." - Og Mandino

"We have the ability now to get to know our little child within us. We have neglected that child for a long time. Like any child they are going to get your attention one way or another. We have let her run wild in the streets with our credit cards. She has neglected to clean her room and to eat good foods. She stays up way to late and doesn't get enough sleep! This makes her cranky. Oh and she spends way too much time on the computer and doesn't get enough exercise. Do you know anyone who would allow her children to do this? So why do you allow yourself to do this?" - FlyLady

A special one for my french friends :)

"(...) Pourquoi prend-on le temps de s’émerveiller devant un chevreuil ou un orignal, pour ensuite ne porter aucune attention à un écureuil? C’est la rareté, bien sûr. Mais quelle drôle d’idée, lorsqu’on prend le temps d’y penser! Ce n’est pas le degré d’originalité d’une expérience qui la rend extraordinaire, mais notre degré de réceptivité et la qualité de l’attention qu’on choisit de lui consacrer. On peut déguster un simple verre de jus de pomme et en retirer énormément de satisfaction, tout comme on peut manger un super gelato à 5 $ la bouchée sans même le goûter parce qu’on est trop préoccupé. C’est définitivement l’état intérieur dans lequel on est qui est délicieux, non pas ce qui est en train de se passer à l’extérieur…" Marie-Pier Charron

Douceur

I'm offering a nice little bunch of flowers that I cut this morning to all my readers. You're a reason why I keep creating and writing. I sincerely thank all of you! *Ahem, dont look at the dust, I wasn't expecting anyone this morning!*

***************

I'm seeing a psycho-therapist since 3 weeks. A real gem. A wonderful woman. She already helped me tremendously to change my perceptions, my habits and my attitudes. I learned a proper way to ask things from others. I learned not to overreact when I see things that are displeasing to me (such as finding dirty socks under the table or toys all over the kitchen). I learned that when you change perspective, you change emotions. Seems obvious to some, maybe, but it wasn't for me. Not until recently.

Today, I learned 2 very important things: 

1- There's always a way to make things better. That means you never finish a thing unless you stop at one point wanting to do more/better. 

I'm wasting so much time and energy trying to do/be better and obviously, perfection is an ideal that can never really be attained... I found out that when I get to the point where I realize that I'll not reach that ideal, I usually give up. I quit. I resign. I leave. So now I'll have to work on making things imperfectly. To botch my work. Literally. To be able to find a balance. I was recommended to make a lot of blunders - can you believe it! That's a relief after being told all my life to 'either do something well (read: perfectly) or don't do it'.

2- You cannot recover if you don't treat yourself gently.

When your leg is broken, you should not walk on it, you need to relax and take time to heal. 

When your mental is broken, you should not 'walk' on it, you need to relax and take time to heal.  

Key-sentence of the week: "I treat myself with gentleness". This is so powerful for me that I couldn't retain my tears after the meeting. I'm being so harsh with myself, so harsh. Many people told me but I never fully believed it. Until now. Until I was asked to repeat this sentence. My PT also suggested that I use my art to integrate this message, by either, for example, painting something that represents gentleness or by creating magnets with the word Douceur (gentleness) to remind me about it. 

Can't wait to finish my contracts to paint on that theme. Of course, making lots of blunders.

*

josephstmok's

I'm still experiencing daily depression episodes. Will be back shortly. As soon as I find something interesting in life. Incha'Allah.

Youssra

booties by sheknitsamy

I have a niece. Brand new. The first woman in my life since my mom. I have 2 brothers. 2 nephews. 2 sons. And now. I have her. I'm buying every pink dress I see. I look at girls stuff when shopping for my boys. I want to learn how to make tutus and flowery headbands.

I'll comb her hair, play princees with her and buy her strawberry ice cream cones. I'll take her out and pretend she's my daughter. Maybe I'll love her too much. Maybe I'll buy her just too many pink dresses. 

But she's my niece. And I'm her aunt. And I'm just so happy she finally arrived into my life.