Blooming True

Yikes! Time passes! Another 2 months without blogging...
But I've got good reasons. Very, very good reasons. And I mean goooooooood :).

I've decided I have dreams and I've decided I'm going to work towards them, each and every day of my life. I've decided to be brave, to be bold, to follow my intuition and my heart and to step out of my comfort zone.

I've always wanted to be an artist. I mean, I always was, and I am now shamelessly able to admit I am one, but I always wanted to make my living as a full time artist.

At the same time, even if painting and creating is something I could do 24h a day, I cannot imagine 'just' doing that, because I also have the need to make a difference in people's life.

But guess what! I simply discovered I can do both. I can create and transmit. I believe I have the potential to light up the world with my passion! My ultimate goal is to own a space where people will come and reconnect to their profound essence through creativity. My first step towards that goal is to hold creativity classes. I'll be starting in September incha'Allah. I'll be helping people get better in their lives through simple yet powerful exercices that will teach them to take more time for themselves and to gradually develop an habit of finding creative solutions.

And because nothing happens by accident, I'm presently following a phenomenal, life-changing e-course with one of my favorite artist, Flora Bowley, called Bloom True. And gosh, how am I blooming true right now! It's not just a painting class. It's an amazing journey and for me it has been life-changing. I discovered a lot about myself, my fears, my intuition, my bravery and my potential. I've been able to translate a lot of the teachings of Flora into my personal life and I can tell you the results are amazing - both on the canvas and in my every day life.

I'm not done with the painting since we are in the last week of the course, but I have one canvas finished. Here are (some of) the different stages it went through. I started this with absolutely no idea in mind about what it would look like in the end and I still cannot believe what that painting became. It revealed itself bit by bit and to my surprise I found out I was able to paint in a completely different way than I was used to.

It is said that we have 1000 bad paintings in us so I guess I'm far from 'the' painting that will reveal my true voice and my talent but it's a first of a series of new paintings and I'm unstoppable at this point. I already have about 4-5 in progress right now!

 

So! Now you know a lot about what's going on for me. I may not come here soon again but I'll sure keep you posted about my next move. And for my french readers, I brand new blog is about to be born - I'll let you know when it's ready.

Much love to all of you and I pray you'll follow you dreams and be brave with your life. It's worth it.

Inner Peace

I'm the living proof that the right therapy can liberate you.

I experienced something totally unexpected this week. I was able, through a guided introspection/relaxation, to re-live the event that ruined my whole life. An event, that any child would've lived without having any after-effect. It seems for me, it was different. I thought I was responsible for what happened. And all my life after that, inconsciously, I thought I had something to hide, something so terrible I didn't deserved to be happy. I basically sabotaged my own happiness because I was guilty of something that couldn't be forgiven.

And now. Now that I had this 'revelation'. My life is already different. I feel free. I feel liberated. I feel good. Laughing out loud, for no particular reason. Smiling to myself, for so many reasons.

If you're still wondering weither or not you should start a therapy, well believe me, miracles can happen.

Inner peace can happen.

Pssst! BTW, I highly recommend the rational emotive behavior therapy :).

Unpeace of mind

illustration by Martin Dasnoy

Is it because I'm a highly sensitive person that I get so anxious about everything? I don't understand how people can live without feeling constant guilt and anxiety when we know all that we know about the food we eat, the air we breathe, the water we drink... I've been trying to ignore all the alarming articles I've read about the crap we put in/on our bodies but it's not working. Not only I have chronic concern over environmental issues but I'm feeling more and more concerned about, well almost everything.

It seems that sugar, milk, meat, gluten, aspartame, eggs, non-organic fruits and veggies are threatening our health. Maybe sucking ice for the rest of our lives would be a good alternative.

But oh, wait, water is also dangerous.

Our microwaves, cell phones, teflon pans, bras and clothes could kill us. Cosmetics, deodorants, household cleaners, toothpastes are risky, too. And I'm not even talking about vaccination, birth control pill and other medication.

Buying at Walmart is wrong. Buying anything from China or from anyone who support Israel is wrong. Driving a car is wrong. Putting a plastic jar in the bin is wrong. Using anything disposable is wrong.

Having a husband who doesn't understand my worries and won't change his habits doesn't help. He says I'm thinking too much and that I'm paranoiac. On top of that, organic food, natural, local and ethical stuff costs way more than the crap so he's getting crazy when I buy something organic that costs three times more than its pesticized-shooted-optimized version.

I'm worried. For me, but also for my kids. Is there a way to just live our lives without feeling bad about every move we make? Can we even breathe without harming ourselves/others?

Am I taking all this too seriously? Why do I feel I'm the only one around who get really concerned about all these issues?

Now I understand why they say ignorance is bliss.

Wise words

At the end of September, I wrote a message asking you to pray for my recovery. Today I received a comment about this post and I was so deeply touched by the wisdom of it, I felt I had to share, so everyone could profit.

No, I won't ask for you recovery. I know better than that by now. Whatever God has in mind to accomplish through this illness and pregnancy, He always has something good in mind He wants to happen, and it isn't always perfect health. In fact, in my experience, He can accomplish far greater things through extreme adversity than He ever could through wellness and prosperity. So my prayer is not that you will get well; it's that you will be smart. You didn't say how old you are; chances are if you're pregnant, you are still fairly young. All I can tell you is to wait ten to fifteen years, and all of a sudden, a whole lot of things that people think of as tragedies, will start making a whole lot of sense, and you'll start saying, "Oh! I get it now!"

Thanks for that, Marly.

Wondering

Photo credit Reigh Sierra

if I should think about re-opening my Etsy shop, again.

Things are going so well for me these days and I have lots of requests. But Etsy is very demanding too. Taking photos, croping, adjusting and uploading them, creating listings, going to the post office a few times a week... Would it be worth it?

Maybe I could just try to have my 'own' shop, not linked to Etsy or the like...

Comments, suggestions anyone?

Word of the week: Enough

Painting by Emily Martin @ The Black Apple

Enough: 1. sufficient; all that is required, needed, or appropriate. 2. used to express impatience or exasperation.

Holidays are over. Well, not that they were really holidays for me, but they are over. Kids are going back to school. Phew. I really had a hard time. I was impatient. I was moody. I wasn't proud of me. I felt annoyed, most of the time. I guess anyone would be, as they were fighting all the time, crying, whining, yelling... Aaaaaargh!

And that sky. That grey sky that I dread. Was there. Every day. For 2 weeks. My SAD is knocking on the door... "knock, knock, it's me, Seasonal Affective Disorder, remember me?? Trying to avoid me with a lamp?! Better stand under it 12 hours day, HA HA HA!"

Enough of having two "I don't know what to doooooooooo!" boys at home. Enough of never-ending renovations. Enough of this. Enough of that. Enough of myself, even, sometimes.

Is it? Enough?

Word of the week: Silence

Photo credit: ~jjjohn~'s

Silence: 1. The condition or quality of being or keeping still and silent. 2. The absence of sound; stillness. 3. A period of time without speech or noise. 4. Refusal or failure to speak out.

Word of the Week: Patience

Photo credit: Batikart

Patience: the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

It's been almost 2 months since the oil tank spilled its content in our basement. Oil smell is still there, nothing is being done, house is a real mess (with all 4 of us upstairs - kids are not sleeping downstairs in their room since then)... Bedroom is upside down. Living room looks like a bedroom. Office has become play room, full of toys everywhere.

We are waiting for the insurances to send a check for the builder. And with Christmas coming, I guess the guy will take a break so we'll not start anything until January. I'm getting so fed up!

But. Will. Have. To. Wait.

Patiently.

Word of the week: Winter

Winter: 1. The usually coldest season of the year, occurring between autumn and spring, extending in the Northern Hemisphere from the winter solstice to the vernal equinox, and popularly considered to be constituted by December, January, and February. 2. A year as expressed through the recurrence of the winter season. 3. A period of time characterized by coldness, misery, barrenness, or death.

What else can I say. She's here. Yesterday, I woke up to see her first flakes, her white blanket, her biting cold wind. Every year the same thoughts. Will I survive her grey mornings, her short days, her cold nights?

Oh Winter! Let me see your good sides, show me your qualities! Please, please winter, don't be so harsh on me this year!

Oh Winter! Be gentle and be quick, so my dearest Spring can come back soon...

Word of the Week: Privation

Photo credit: Betty Crocker recipes

Privation: a. Lack of the basic necessities or comforts of life. b. The condition resulting from such lack.

Is sugar a basic neccesity? What about pineapple? Bread? Can we say that coffee is a comfort of life? No, no, no and no? Than why am I suffering, why do I have this feeling of privation if non of the above is a 'basic necessity of life?' Shouldn't the definition include the dimension of lack of something we got so used to that it feels like a privation to do without it? God, I feel like I'm being deprived of some kind of drug.

Why do I perceive privation as being so negative? Isn't there a positive dimension to privation?

I made the exercice of writing down what privation means to me. Here is what came to my mind.

Boredom

Exclusion

Suffering

Envy, lack of

Prohibition

Solitude, incomprehension

Hunger

Sickness

No pleasure

Effort

Sadness

Dryness

Health, Vitality

Yes, in the end, health, maybe. Most probably. It's not a privation that will kill me. And I don't need others to approve my decision. My body doesn't miss anything even if I have this feeling of lacking something. It's a privation of senses, not a vital one. It's an habit, a step to take. I have not a lot to loose and a lot to gain.

Health. Vitality.

I have to make sens of this hard period of privation.

Word of the week: Sickness

photo credit: Mortensen Dogmar

No wonder why I was so tired. My body was annoucing the arrival of an infection in my throat. Very painful.

Sickness: a harmful deviation from the normal structural or functional state of an organism.

Being sick is the way our body talks to us, we know that. But do we really take time to listen what he is saying? I was not functional for a couple of days and complained to a friend that I was doing nothing since... two days. She said to me 'Two days? So what is the problem? You're sick! You need to rest!" Resting for me means, most of the time, laziness. Doing nothing and being really 'off' for more than one or two hours make me feel useless and guilty. My body is talking to me but... what? What are you saying? Don't hear you very well!

Sickness should mean nothing else than sickness. Being sick is a full time activity in itself. Not only I have the right to rest but in a sense I have the obligation to. Let me say that again, in case I didn't make myslef clear to myself: Not only I have the right to rest but I have the obligation to.

I might need a fine or a speed ticket...

Little Things, Big Joy II

Second part of this serie on the little things that make me disproportionately happy!

1- The smell of dry fallen leaves. If I close my eyes, I go back to my childhood, when we would play and jump in the Autumn leaves for hours. Aaaah, this odour brings so much nostalgia and pleasure! Makes me want to jump and roll in the leaves, again...

2- The first bite of a freshly picked apple. Juicy, warm, perfect!

3- The soft caress of the hand of my youngest son on my cheek. He likes to pat and cuddle me - and I love it, of course.

Word of the Week: Fear

Photo credit: Welshio

This new Word of the Week section will be a weekly reflection on a subject that is relevant for me - and maybe for you.

I wanted to start with Fear, because even if not all of us feel it these days, I can clearly see that the medias are trying to instil this fear in all of us with the pandemic flu and mass vaccination campaign.

Fear : A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

Are you scared? Worried? I am, sometimes. I made a great meditation exercice yesterday to help me deal with that sense of fear. First, I tried to recognize the fact that I am scared and see what it was doing to my body - my heart beat, my breath, my internal movements. Then I went through acceptation of that fear. Again I was trying to feel the effects of that acceptation on my whole body. Next step was to interrogate the fear. Why are you there? What is your purpose? Finally, I consciously decided not to identify with that feeling of fear. I'm not the fear. It is external to me. During that final step I felt a shower of light on me. It was very intense and very nourishing. I felt like a protection surrounding me. A barrier against that fear. What a great experience! I know I still have worries but I also trust God and it helped me to control the impact of the fear on me. I realized it was not me, it was something coming from outside and I don't have to let it eat me! If you have some fears, too, try to meditate in 4 steps (RAIN method): Recognition, Acceptation, Interrogation and Not to identify with the fear (or any other feeling).

I think fear and worries are more destructive (and more contagious!) than diseases. Fear is a weapon of mass destruction. The best way to protect ourselves from diseases and other harmful situations is first to protect ourselves from irrational fear, from suggested fear.

Do you have any fears?

Dreaming

Today is a beautiful day to dream.

Wind is blowing, sky is veiled, the sun is struggling to shine through the greyness of the heavens. We went back to Standard Time, sun will set at 4:41 pm today. Trees are almost all bare. Thermometer displays a timid 5 degrees Celcius. Windows are closed, doors are shut, people are inside. Hibernation has begun.

Today is a perfect day to dream.

1-800-whateveryouwanttoknow

Photo credit: Darwin Bell

I used to like to be the mother of all, to take pride of being 'the one you call when you need advices/want to know something'. Being the oldest and only girl of my family, I guess the habit of taking care of others and answering people needs comes from 'back then'.

Now, for some reason, I'm getting a bit annoyed, sometimes. For many of my friends, I became the 'whatever you need to know' hotline. Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of reasons why friends and not-so-friends called/emailed me recently:

- the traditional "what should I tell him?"

- phone number of someone else (many times)

- address of a shop

- directions to a specific address (either 'live' - person is driving - or not)

- soup recipe

- dessert recipe

- pancake recipe

- chicken recipe

- "do you think I can eat pesto after its best before date?"

- "do you think I can eat eggs after their best before date?" (not in the same phone call as previous point)

- traffic report ("I'm on highway 13, can you tell me what is going on ahead, we're not moving?")

- link to a website (that I obviously don't know)

- phone number, courses prices and schedule of the karate school that my kids are not attending (I guess because I talked about it once)

- phone number of the hairdresser

- airport departures schedule

- address of Eid prayer

- schedule of Eid prayer

- if I could make a wake-up call at 5 am every day

- informations regarding child health

- advices regarding child education

- informations regading islam

- volunteering request

- advices on friendship problems

- advices on marital problems

- phone number of a daycare center

- phone number of a psychologist

- recipe to make soap

- reference of someone who could help someone else

- daycare references

And on. And on.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I find it funny. Sometimes I take it as an honor. Sometimes I wonder why people think I know answers to almost everything. But yes, sometimes, I find it annoying to be the mother of all.

And sometimes, I would like to be mothered, too.

Wonderful. New. Life.

My new me suits me very well. Changes are effective and I feel reaaaly good. I'm taking small steps to be freer, happier, lighter.

I have a list of things I would like to either change/improve/stop/start in the coming weeks/months. I'm taking one or two things at the time, so I dont become overwhelmed. It includes

- Waking up early: done - the habit is taken and I really enjoy it. I'm usually up at around 5 am

- Sleeping early: done - didn't sleep later than 10:00 - 10:30 pm for a whole month which is very unusual :). I guess it goes with the previous point!

- Exercise: partly done - I started a yoga course and am walking 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the afternoon to get/take my son to school. Would like to do some more.

- Eating well: I mean very well. For myself and for the planet. No meat, less dairies, no process food, etc. Ramadan was very helpful so I was able to "reset" my body and I am ready to take the eat-well challenge.

- Put an end to consumerism. I'm really motivated, especially after spending hours decluttering and realizing that I owe enough (read: too much). My motto these days: I will no longer find pleasure in buying and having material things. Told you I'm a new person! One really nice tip I could share with you is if you want to buy something, put it on a 30-days list (with the date next to it). If after 30 days you still want the item than you can consider buying it - if you really need it and think you cannot do without.

- Get rid of my credit card. Seriously.

- Turn off computer after 3 pm. Should be the hardest habit to change.

Everything will go through the 21-days test.

Life is wonderful when you take care of yourself.

Finding focus

photo credit: Apricot cafe

I found recently a very interesting blog called Zen Habits. As always, I know this discovery is not a coincidence. Articles like 'living a better life with less' and 'how to let go of hyperparenting and relax with your kids' are more than welcome in my life right now. I found there simple answers to complicated questions.

Yesterday, while going from one link to another I found the beginning of a book written by the author of Zen Habits, Leo Babauta. The book is not finished but he still wanted to make the material available so the first chapters are online. It is called Focus. It's about what he calls the 'Age of distraction' and the fact that we develop addiction to connection and communication.

You should ab-so-lu-te-ty have a look at this document! And realize how much creativity is affected by our consumption and communication habits.

I seriously believe everyone should stop and reflect on the beauty of disconnection. Me first. I'm going offline.

Open doors

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

So many times I asked questions and didn't want to hear the answer. Because it was not the one I wanted to hear...

Recently I had this weird sensation in my left ear, like if I had foam in it. Some kind of fizzy sound, almost all the time, for 2 weeks. My friend Maude told me that my ear was probably 'unblocking' and that I was ready to 'hear' what God wanted to tell me. I liked her explanation but wasn't really taking it seriously. Well, subhanallah, I guess she was right. I 'hear' more clearly now. I 'see' signs. Even if sometimes I don't like the things I hear or see, I know they are answers to my questions. And when a door closes, I'm trying to look at the one which has opened...

Ad Hoc

“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

Running around in circles

Photo credit: Juliana S.

Maybe you are. Wondering. Why I don't list new stuff. Why I don't Twit, Book, blog as I used too. Maybe not.

But during all this time, I was. Wondering. Again. And I'm still. But if I'm here to talk about it today, it's because I'm less and less wondering. I asked. I receieved. Some answers were really hard to take and to swallow. I had to experience human meanness, to go through my own emotive roller coaster again, to face it. It is not worth it. I know, you remember. I said it before. Sometimes it takes time. To understand. To really understand. To stop fantasizing about something that is just not realistic, possible, or I don't know what.

But I'm getting tired. I'm getting fed up. Running around in circles. Wasting energy, time, sanity, money on the way. I think that is enough.

Not sure how/when I'll end this exactly. The mass-production of hijab pins and painted glasses. Etsy. The hope of making billions with painted pebbles transformed into magnets. But I know it is coming.

Now... now... I feel something new inside. Possibilities. Freedom. I see a door in front of me. Leaving. But entering.

I'll let you know what's on the other side.