It feels good to feel good!

As of today, traditional medecine was unable to help me recover from Crohn's disease. Oh, of course, it helped to get through the tough times, and corticosteroids surely stopped last year's crisis. But that is short-term solution and after trying 2 other treatments, I can say I felt exactly as I did for the past 15 years.

Meanwhile, I decided to really take care of myself. Truly and sincerely. In all aspects. I went back to my gluten, dairy and sugar-free diet and added even more challenges to help my digestive tract get better. No raw veggies, no yeast, no coffee, organic food as much as possible to avoid contaminants, just a liiiittle bit of meat and eggs (cannot afford organic for now) and lots of water (I used to drink 1 or 2 glasses a day maximum). I also take probiotics, fermented food (for extra probiotics), specially-designed-for-me herbal tea and drops and Intestinew powder - daily. I do breathing exercices, dry-brushing and physical exercices. Yes, you read well. For the first time in my life, I'm doing exercice. I'm training in a gym at least 3 times a week and walking the rest of the time as much and as fast as possible.

I'm drug-free, I don't smoke, drink alcohol, take medication. I take care of myself physically, mentally, spiritually. I pray and pray that I'll get better. And God, it's starting to work. After 36 years of always feeling somewhat miserable...

It feels a-w-e-s-o-m-e. Totally.

Life goes on...

Trying to move on. To have a "normal" life again.

Health issues are not the first thing on my mind these days, first because I'm getting a bit better. Also, baby is growing up, passed the 3 months milestone this week, so I can, sometimes, do "something else".

And where am I heading to?

My workshop, naturally.

Unwanted Relapse and Unforseen Weaning

photo credit yaznotjaz

Mr. Crohn showed up again and brought me to the doorstep of hospital. Last week coloscopy and the usual symptoms showed that the state of my intestines is still bad. My GE said I have to get better in the next days (going back to a high dose of cortico-steroids) otherwise I would have to be re-hospitalized again to get it IV. I will also start a new treatment, weekly injections of methotrexate. The bad news is, I have to stop nursing my baby, because the drug is incompatible with breatsfeeding.

You cannot imagine the pain I felt when I realized it was over. My (most probably) last baby, already at the point where I have to wean him. At only 2 months. It's a huge shock, the sadness is terrible. I started to give him formula and al hamdolillah it's going pretty well, as he seems to prefer that anyway. But still. The pain is there, it's deep and it will take time to heal.

Ordeal after ordeal. This is my life. Al-hamdolillah. "And with every difficulty, there's a relief" (Qur'an, chapter 94).

Unpeace of mind

illustration by Martin Dasnoy

Is it because I'm a highly sensitive person that I get so anxious about everything? I don't understand how people can live without feeling constant guilt and anxiety when we know all that we know about the food we eat, the air we breathe, the water we drink... I've been trying to ignore all the alarming articles I've read about the crap we put in/on our bodies but it's not working. Not only I have chronic concern over environmental issues but I'm feeling more and more concerned about, well almost everything.

It seems that sugar, milk, meat, gluten, aspartame, eggs, non-organic fruits and veggies are threatening our health. Maybe sucking ice for the rest of our lives would be a good alternative.

But oh, wait, water is also dangerous.

Our microwaves, cell phones, teflon pans, bras and clothes could kill us. Cosmetics, deodorants, household cleaners, toothpastes are risky, too. And I'm not even talking about vaccination, birth control pill and other medication.

Buying at Walmart is wrong. Buying anything from China or from anyone who support Israel is wrong. Driving a car is wrong. Putting a plastic jar in the bin is wrong. Using anything disposable is wrong.

Having a husband who doesn't understand my worries and won't change his habits doesn't help. He says I'm thinking too much and that I'm paranoiac. On top of that, organic food, natural, local and ethical stuff costs way more than the crap so he's getting crazy when I buy something organic that costs three times more than its pesticized-shooted-optimized version.

I'm worried. For me, but also for my kids. Is there a way to just live our lives without feeling bad about every move we make? Can we even breathe without harming ourselves/others?

Am I taking all this too seriously? Why do I feel I'm the only one around who get really concerned about all these issues?

Now I understand why they say ignorance is bliss.

Daily dose

or the tale of the anti-medicine girl who had to resign herself to take 20 pills a day.

Failure

Photo credit karin8700

I went to see my gastroenterologist, today, for the first time since I left hospital.

She was very nice, comprehensive, took all the time I needed to listen, to answer. She gave me options. She discussed every avenue possible.

But tonight, I feel deeply sad, like I failed. Tonight, I collapse after trying to be so positive and strong in the last weeks...

I guess it has to do with the fact that I'm starting Imuran, an immunosupressive antimetabolite drug, a drug that officially puts me in the category of the chronically ill people. People who have the sword of Damocles on top of their head, all their life. People who never know when the next relapse will occur, who have to deal with side effects of the medication, frequent visits to the doctor and weekly blood analysis.

I cannot think of anything else than failure. And I know it's wrong, because I cannot control it. I thought I could. All the time, energy, money and good will I spent, trying to avoid being today, the day I would have to give up. The day I would have to let go and take the think I'm the most unwilling to take.

I didn't want to be a sick mother. To be half of a mother. I didn't want to have another child, not knowing if I'll be able to take care of him properly. I didn't want to become a burden for people around me.

I didn't want to feel like I failed.

Back Home

print by thewheatfield

Spent the last 9 days in the hospital.

Severe Crohn's attack.

Am back home.

Feeling better but still very weak and tired.

Would like to give more details but am not feeling like it right now.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm fine, the baby's fine and the struggle continue.

Oh. And we're having a third boy. :)

Struggling

photo credit: king.agong

I'm probably going through one of the most difficult period of my life.

My body is completely drained of all energy. The baby and the illness are sucking it all up. And there's the pain. And the countless visits to the bathroom. The sleepless nights. The solitude. The responsabilities that I have, still. Two young children, a husband, a house.

I'm so exhausted. Can hardly find the strength to hope and stay positive. I'm prisoner of a body who has to cope with chronic illness, pain and a pregnancy... So hard.

Special request

The Road to recovery by Talie Lines

In the last year I thought maybe my almost constant belly pain was due to candida albicans and decided to fight it with a quite strict diet and some natural supplements. I almost completely denied that that pain could still be due to a previous diagnosis of Crohn's disease, because I didn't relapse since a first crisis in 1997.

After almost one year, I can say diet didn't really help my intestines (even though I felt better in general). Not only I didn't notice a real and constant change but for the last 3-4 weeks, I'm in terrible pain and my digestive condition is getting quite awful. I fear the relapse, especially because of the pregnancy... I never really felt like this since 1997.

I wanted to talk about it here because I believe in the power of prayer and wanted to ask those of you who also believe it can make miracles to pray for me. At this point, I'm putting all my trust in God and I think that's the best and only thing to do.

Would you join your voice to mine in asking the Almighty for my recovery?

Strawberries shouldn't cause cancer!

Methyl iodide, approved by the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) in 2007, is dangerously close to being approved as a soil fumigant for strawberry crops in California and spreading as a widely-used pesticide for crops around the country.

Methyl iodide causes cancer, is a known neurotoxin and thyroid disruptor and has also been proven to cause spontaneous abortions in late-term pregnancies. It is so toxic that it is used to intentionally induce cancer cells in lab settings. And yet, the EPA has decided that methyl iodide is fit for our food, for our communities and for our bodies.

The EPA can reverse its decision on methyl iodide at any point. Now is the time to make sure they do so. Sign the petition here!

Glass of Green

Green is the color of my breaksfast. And it's delicious.

I feel I'm becoming greener inside ;).

Unbelievably delicious (and healthy)

These chocolate superballs are the best sweet thing I had in years. Period.

...

Now. Would you believe me if I tell you that they are made exclusively of superfood? Without any sugar, gluten, dairies?

Well, see for yourself. Raw cacao (excellent source of magnesium), goji berries (rich in antioxydants), spirulina (unusually high in protein, essential fatty acids and vitamins), chia seeds (high in fibre, omega 3, antioxidants, calcium and more), hemps seeds (excellent source of protein, essential fatty acids, carbohydrates, fiber and trace minerals), coconut oil (healthiest oil on earth - high in nutritious and rich in fiber, vitamins, and minerals), raw honey (should I say anything that wasn't said before - especially in the Qur'an?), vanilla (for taste :P)... I cannot believe how delicious (and heathy) they are. Could you find anything more satisfying than to eat extra chocolatey and sweet treats without feeling any guilt - and knowing it's super good for yourself?

In tears

I was. All day.

I don't know how I came to her site. I don't know why I hit that post, the right post. But I do know why I spent all day in tears, while reading her e-book or even just thinking about her. She gave me hope. She made me feel like I'm not alone anymore.

Her name is Meghan. She was diagnosed with Colitis, then Crohn's disease. She made the choice of healing, naturally, despite what doctors said to her (and to me). She became nutritionist, holistic lifestyle consultant and digestive coach. And she recovered.

The first excerpt of the book I read, before buying it, was this one:

I worry that maybe all this is for nothing. I get frustrated that I am working my ass of to get well and making many sacrifices in the process and still have a day here and there where I feel like crap.

and then:

So I made the decision, the choice, excuse free, that I needed to take my own advice. It wasn’t easy but if we were never challenged sometimes, how would we ever move forward?

I didn't need to read further. With my vision blurred by tears I quickly bought the book and started to read. And couldn't stop.

Amazing. I felt like I was reading myself. More tears.

Now I have a dream: to attend her Digestive Healing Retreat. Anyone interested in sponsoring me? :)

Audrey and the Magic Lamp

photo credit: slickclic

Well OK, my magic lamp doesn't look exactly like that but it certainly has some kind of genius inside that granted me a wish: to get rid of my seasonal depression. Now that winter seems to be over, at least around here, I can claim out loud that, al-hamdolillah, for the first time in my life I didn't suffer from depression during the last months. I had a hard time during Christmas Holidays but I know exactly why now: I went to the retreat center and didn't have my lamp with me for 5 days.

I was quite skeptical about light therapy. I thought it was for people with 'light' (without any play of word!) mood problems. In my case, I had severe depression problems during winter... Dark thoughts, physical and mental dysfunctions, suicidal ideas, etc. How could a lamp change that? Well, the lamp did it and I had to tell you about it, in case you, or someone you know is suffering from SAD. Depression could go. You just need to get a good lamp - and rub it. You don't even need to look for it in a cave full of treasuries. You can order it online or buy it in specialized stores - or even pharmacies.

My diet is probably helping, too, as the candida I'm fighting is supposed to create mood problems. By cutting the bad stuff that Mr. Mush likes to eat, I'm probably preventing him to create more irritability, agressiveness and mood swings. And I'm more an more convinced that sugar is a poison, so by avoiding to eat some, I think I'm doing a service to my body and my mental health.

It feels good to feel good.

And all praise is due to Allah.

:)

Health update

Since health is my main concern these days, I feel I have nothing very interesting to write about. So just wanted to let you guys know that after 15 days of treatment, I already feel better. Lighter. Calmer. I have this strange feeling of a clearer mind. I also have another weird sensation, I feel warmth, fire inside, just below the sternum. I think that's the solar plexus spot. Don't know a lot about chakras but that sensation feels very good, anyway.

I don't have that much sugar rushes anymore, and crave good food, more and more. I don't suffer too much when I see people eating pizzas, chips and chocolate in front of me. I'm not hungry like I used to be. I can wait longer between 2 meals without auto-digesting myself and I can eat salad and be satisfied.

I'm very tired but I guess that is a side effect of the detox. Otherwise, I feel great. It gives me the motivation to keep up and the hope of a better life!

At war

Candida Albicans by AJC1

Those of you who know me personnally are aware that I've been suffering from intestinal problems for over 12 years. Since then, I received different diagnosis, including ulcerative colitis and Crohn's disease. Still, any of those diagnosis seemed to be right, as I was not having all the symptoms and didn't need to take medication. It was just a permanent discomfort, accompanied by various and seemingly unrelated problems: chronic fatigue, rash, allergies, different food intolerances, depression, runny nose, fragile throat, unusual frequent need to go to the WC, articular and muscle pain, excessively dry skin, etc.

Well, can you believe I think I just found out a culpable? For all of these symptoms? Thanks to a dear friend of mine (merci Marie, je ne te le dirai jamais assez!), Candida Albicans is now unmasked. She sent me a bunch of articles and links about Candida and I immediately realized my health problems were almost certainly related to it. This nice fungus present in every human body has taken over my own and my only hope to gain it back and regain health is to fight. To kill the unwanted guy, I need to starve it to death. It's not going to be easy: Candida likes sugar, gluten, yeast, processed food, dairies, cereals, fruits... Well, all the food I love, too.

But I don't mind. I'm at war. I'll have to eat rice cakes and salad for a while but it is worth it. If I can stop suffering, then I don't mind. Just to think about living a pain-less life is giving me all the motivation I need to fight.

Minimalism will spread over to my diet, too...