I'm down

I'm down.

What else should I say? That I feel everything I do doesn't have a purpose? That I feel like wasting my time? That I feel soooo lonely these days? Nah... no one wants to hear that. People want to hear about great days and thoughts, love, peace, flowers and bubble gum! But of course, no one will know, because no one is reading this blog anyway.

I'm going to keep it for myself, as I usually do, let time do what time does best, go back to my workshop and paint whatever I feel like, because no one is buying what I paint anyway.

I'm down, down, down, I cannot even explain it properly because I would have to use french. When it comes to emotions, I cannot reflect in english. Mais pourquoi ne pas écrire en français alors? Personne ne lit ce blog, de toute façon...

My osteopath asked me last week if I had dreams. I was so shocked by her question that I mumbled that I already had what I wanted... But this question keeps coming into my mind. What do I want? What do I really want? Since I'm married and with kids, I feel like I don't have the right to dream anymore. I don't even know what I would dream of. For now, I just dream of a little sun, inside and outside...


Robyn said...

I don't know that I've been to the extent you are, but I can relate to feeling as though my dreams don't matter or that they somehow will never be fulfilled. I sometimes think I would love to have my own business making things, but then wonder if that's what I really, really want to do. I think at the end of the day, I just want to do what I'm supposed to for the sake of Allah - love my children, be a good, wife and mother, a good daughter, someone people look at and wonder why I smile so. I guess I feel that this is Allah's will right here and now and by embracing it, I can be happy, I can be content. Even now when we are looking at having to cut back on spending and maybe me going back to work, I look at it as a challenge to do things better, more efficiently. And in this I grow. Value what you do, and others will value it, too. As Allah has said for every hardship there is relief. Hold tight to the rope of Allah, center yourself on Him.

FutureMariée said...

Salam Audrey,
Je ne sais pas qoi te dire à part que je lis ton blog, moi :) et je passe voir tes nouvelles oeuvres plus souvent que tu ne le crois!

I strongly believe that you're allowed to dream and to aim from them, being married with kids shouldnt change that. Of course priorities change, but dreams are there, always, and you have the right to reach for them, it's not selfish.

I wish you the best in the world, may God always put sunshine in your life through your family, you art,your faith and your dreams inshallah!

Ramadhan Karim ma très chère!


french panic said...

"Since I'm married and with kids, I feel like I don't have the right to dream anymore."

Eeek. That statement terrifies me.

It might be helpful to make a list of women you find inspiring (photographers, artists, writers, artists, etc.). Chances are you will be astounded at how many of those women are married, or have children, or are both married AND have children, and still do amazing things, or have done amazing things: travelled, written novels, produced great art.

Of course, this may not help you focus on what YOU want, but sometimes it is helpful to be reminded that other women have been in the same space you are right now...

Azra Momin said...

Salams, zamzam.

I found you on Etsy and had to check out your blog.

I was touched by your post. I guess we all have to fight our own demons, but I agree with the other commentators - you are special in your time and place. Being a wife and mommy is part of that, but you are still you. You do have a purpose.

Besides, for someone who makes such beautiful things, you're not wasting your time!

Hope you find your sun, inside and out.


Sabbio said...

Merci d'être passé chez moi, je t'ai laissé un commentaire là-bas aussi! Je suis désolée de voir que tu n'as pas le moral! J'en connais des périodes comme ça mais je pense qu'il faut se forcer (et c'est dur quand on ne va pas bien) à être positive, à y croire :)

Tes créations sont très belles, tu as donné la vie à un ou plusieurs petits êtres, tu as du talent, des convictions... ne t'inquiète pas les choses vont aller mieux, tu vas te sentir mieux aussi!

À bientôt ici ou sur les Etsy rooms :)

zamzam design said...

Sincere thanks to all of you who commented. You're the reason why I will find the courage to continue this blog.

As for the rest, I don't know, really. Being an artist is demanding, not very rewarding and I keep asking myself if there's something else I should do to feel I have a purpose!

Thanks anyway. You gave me that little sunshine I was looking for. ♥

jeweledrabbit said...

Audrey, je lis ton blog, même si je ne laisse pas de commentaire à chaque fois que je le visite. :o)

I understand all too well how you feel, and I know it's terrible to feel that your life has no purpose. Been there, done that.

You most definitely have the right to have dreams, even though you're married and have children.

So what if no one's buying your paintings? Do you paint with the thought that for your art to have value someone must pay for it? Or do you paint because you have to, because it's who you are? I know that I make jewelry because I love to do it and I have to do it. That no one is buying it is secondary. I know that if I keep plugging away I will eventually succeed.

It sounds to me as if you're very disconnected from who you are right now. Is there something you can do to help yourself reconnect with your essence? It doesn't have to be anything big or earth shattering. Or maybe you could try your hand at a new art form just for the fun of it.