11.24.2010

Failure


I went to see my gastroenterologist, today, for the first time since I left hospital.

She was very nice, comprehensive, took all the time I needed to listen, to answer. She gave me options. She discussed every avenue possible.

But tonight, I feel deeply sad, like I failed. Tonight, I collapse after trying to be so positive and strong in the last weeks...

I guess it has to do with the fact that I'm starting Imuran, an immunosupressive antimetabolite drug, a drug that officially puts me in the category of the chronically ill people. People who have the sword of Damocles on top of their head, all their life. People who never know when the next relapse will occur, who have to deal with side effects of the medication, frequent visits to the doctor and weekly blood analysis.

I cannot think of anything else than failure. And I know it's wrong, because I cannot control it. I thought I could. All the time, energy, money and good will I spent, trying to avoid being today, the day I would have to give up. The day I would have to let go and take the think I'm the most unwilling to take.

I didn't want to be a sick mother. To be half of a mother. I didn't want to have another child, not knowing if I'll be able to take care of him properly. I didn't want to become a burden for people around me.

I didn't want to feel like I failed.

4 comments:

treasurefield said...

I'm afraid I haven't been a very faithful blog reader of late, so I didn't know you had all this happening.
I'm so very sorry. I can hear the despair in your voice, and I've "been there" in a way myself, though different...
I just wanted to send you a hug and some encouragement, if possible. I'm lifting you up in prayer and faith for the healing and strength you need. And I'll try to keep an eye on you for good news ahead.
Warm regards, Alisa

Anonymous said...

relis les epreuves d'ayoub aleyhi salam

qu'Allah ta'ala t'apporte le reconfort. amin

Marie

Zamzam Design said...

Alisa, my sincere and warm thanks for your thoughts. It means a lot for me...

Marie, la foi en prend un coup, j'essaie de ne pas désespérer mais je suis vraiment dans une mauvaise période. Je vais réfléchir sur l'histoire d'Ayoub et le sens de mes épreuves...

Burcu said...

you r making beautiful things i follow.. it must be your inner goodness and beauty in full tht u express in your work. i believe u can't be half of but full of YOU.
May Allah befriend of you, good mum